![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
( it was as he expected. however tired he may be and however surreal all of this may continue to feel, he shouldn't have been quite so readily left unattended. xingchen is nothing if not practical, and he has long since honed the ability to compartmentalize, to tuck any disarrayed thoughts neatly into a qiankun bag in the back of his mind until whatever goal is reached, task is complete, or conversation has parted ways.
but now he's here, he has quite thoroughly run out of tasks to complete, and kaunglu has disappeared. he could summon her again, simply by stepping through the door, but she seems diligent and terribly kind and the last thing she needs is to babysit xingchen, especially when he's no better company than he was when they parted. in truth, he has lingered in his suite for much of the rest of the day for this reason - he was offered free roam of the garden, but if stepping outside truly summons her from whatever else she might be doing, it's hardly worth the fuss.
xingchen was a daozhang, once. now it feels like a lifetime ago - a lifetime ago and a bit of a joke, when those few daozhang tenets which his deaths within ryslig didn't steal from his recollection over the past few years are those which have long since drifted beyond his reach. 'be as water. accept that which is.' he was so good at these things a decade ago, but they were some of the first to fall apart once he found something which he might truly and fiercely care about.
but now he isn't, and this is all just... so much. he still bears the scars and even freshly-bandaged wounds of a war that hasn't let him sleep soundly in months, and even knowing that very war has been won, some part of him halfway expects the fog to have followed him here. it's the same part of him which finds himself itching to shift to his night form here in this sunless place, if only for something to be as he knows it should be. but he won't shift, not tonight or ever again, nor will he see the house he left behind. the people he left behind, or parted ways from as they scattered amongst their proper realms. people who won't remember him now, just as runyu doesn't. or maybe a part of them will, just as runyu nearly does. maybe such memories (of him, of ryslig as a whole) will haunt them just the same. he doesn't know which outcome he'd truly prefer. he isn't sure if he wants to haunt anyone, but he has also long since lost the serenity which allows him to be content with being forgotten. either way, there's no changing it now. there's no returning, no trying again.
it's - dizzying, the immensity of it all. in truth, having been left to his own devices for quite so long is as much a blessing as it is a curse. it means no one is there to see while he kneels on the floor and attempts to catch breath that the tension around his lungs won't allow him to draw. while he paces, restless, sleepless despite his intention to rest.
relief comes the following afternoon, in a thoroughly unexpected place. bby then his qi has already healed up some of the lesser wounds, the bandaging hardly bloodied, and on a whim he cut away the bloodied bits and tied a stretch of clean linen around his eyes. and all at once, his world is so terribly small again. small and familiar, a refuge he might retreat to, just as his house in the woods had been. it's removed, of course, for his brief exchanges with kaunglu (though he isn't yet prepared to make good on his offer to talk over tea), but otherwise this is the way he spends much of his time - and it helps. he finds himself able to meditate again, to focus and channel his qi, though he doesn't waste any time in healing his wounds (it's selfish, but they're one of the last bits of ryslig he has).
in fact, that's precisely what he's doing when he hears the knock at the door, sitting crosslegged on the bed with faint tendrils of golden glow drifting between his palms. and half-distracted as he is, he doesn't think to remove the blindfold - simply calls, ) Come in, ( as he starts to taper the flow of qi down to end the meditation. as footsteps approach, he says, ) Forgive me, I'll be done in a moment, ( and though it's slightly more than a moment, a few seconds later the glow does indeed fade. )
but now he's here, he has quite thoroughly run out of tasks to complete, and kaunglu has disappeared. he could summon her again, simply by stepping through the door, but she seems diligent and terribly kind and the last thing she needs is to babysit xingchen, especially when he's no better company than he was when they parted. in truth, he has lingered in his suite for much of the rest of the day for this reason - he was offered free roam of the garden, but if stepping outside truly summons her from whatever else she might be doing, it's hardly worth the fuss.
xingchen was a daozhang, once. now it feels like a lifetime ago - a lifetime ago and a bit of a joke, when those few daozhang tenets which his deaths within ryslig didn't steal from his recollection over the past few years are those which have long since drifted beyond his reach. 'be as water. accept that which is.' he was so good at these things a decade ago, but they were some of the first to fall apart once he found something which he might truly and fiercely care about.
but now he isn't, and this is all just... so much. he still bears the scars and even freshly-bandaged wounds of a war that hasn't let him sleep soundly in months, and even knowing that very war has been won, some part of him halfway expects the fog to have followed him here. it's the same part of him which finds himself itching to shift to his night form here in this sunless place, if only for something to be as he knows it should be. but he won't shift, not tonight or ever again, nor will he see the house he left behind. the people he left behind, or parted ways from as they scattered amongst their proper realms. people who won't remember him now, just as runyu doesn't. or maybe a part of them will, just as runyu nearly does. maybe such memories (of him, of ryslig as a whole) will haunt them just the same. he doesn't know which outcome he'd truly prefer. he isn't sure if he wants to haunt anyone, but he has also long since lost the serenity which allows him to be content with being forgotten. either way, there's no changing it now. there's no returning, no trying again.
it's - dizzying, the immensity of it all. in truth, having been left to his own devices for quite so long is as much a blessing as it is a curse. it means no one is there to see while he kneels on the floor and attempts to catch breath that the tension around his lungs won't allow him to draw. while he paces, restless, sleepless despite his intention to rest.
relief comes the following afternoon, in a thoroughly unexpected place. bby then his qi has already healed up some of the lesser wounds, the bandaging hardly bloodied, and on a whim he cut away the bloodied bits and tied a stretch of clean linen around his eyes. and all at once, his world is so terribly small again. small and familiar, a refuge he might retreat to, just as his house in the woods had been. it's removed, of course, for his brief exchanges with kaunglu (though he isn't yet prepared to make good on his offer to talk over tea), but otherwise this is the way he spends much of his time - and it helps. he finds himself able to meditate again, to focus and channel his qi, though he doesn't waste any time in healing his wounds (it's selfish, but they're one of the last bits of ryslig he has).
in fact, that's precisely what he's doing when he hears the knock at the door, sitting crosslegged on the bed with faint tendrils of golden glow drifting between his palms. and half-distracted as he is, he doesn't think to remove the blindfold - simply calls, ) Come in, ( as he starts to taper the flow of qi down to end the meditation. as footsteps approach, he says, ) Forgive me, I'll be done in a moment, ( and though it's slightly more than a moment, a few seconds later the glow does indeed fade. )
[ Runyu has not meant for days to pass before he returns to his unexpected guest. He knows that he seems content in his stay, at least as well as Kaunglu can tell. He’s eaten the food she’s brought him and doesn’t seem to have anything he needs. But she has noted that he seems withdrawn. He’s self-sufficient to a fault and has rarely left his rooms. The guest has not complained about the night that surrounds them, but but perhaps that is a facade of courtesy. To be honest, there are many questions to be asked and Runyu has run out of time to avoid them. The turmoil he has faced over the last few days has been controlled. It hasn’t left him, but he’s adjusted to the disquiet curiosity that’s taken over him since his arrival. Since his perusal of those scrolls in the dream library. And since he decided to do something he hasn’t done since he left his mother. Playing the dizzi flute. He’s still filled with questions, even demands, behind his calm exterior, but hiding it under a blank friendly slate is familiarizing, grounding.
The entreaty to enter stabilizes him further and he pushes the doors open, halting at the sight of the guest meditating in the center, his golden core glowing, with a white blindfold over his eyes. A pang settles in his chest and he looks away, clenching his hand over the mermaid pearl bracelet. A moment later, he flicks his arms behind him and strides into the room, letting the doors close on their own. He takes a seat on his left and closes his eyes to wait his guest out.
The wait serves two purposes, that of giving his guest the courtesy due him and to recall the strength in patience. Even if he desires answers, he is in no hurry to receive them. Time is something he’s always has too much of. It stretches on forever around him and even within in his own hands when manipulating the heavens above. It is a testament that he can abstain from reckless behavior here. ]
The entreaty to enter stabilizes him further and he pushes the doors open, halting at the sight of the guest meditating in the center, his golden core glowing, with a white blindfold over his eyes. A pang settles in his chest and he looks away, clenching his hand over the mermaid pearl bracelet. A moment later, he flicks his arms behind him and strides into the room, letting the doors close on their own. He takes a seat on his left and closes his eyes to wait his guest out.
The wait serves two purposes, that of giving his guest the courtesy due him and to recall the strength in patience. Even if he desires answers, he is in no hurry to receive them. Time is something he’s always has too much of. It stretches on forever around him and even within in his own hands when manipulating the heavens above. It is a testament that he can abstain from reckless behavior here. ]
( not ten seconds after his mild request for pardon, the glow has faded altogether and xingchen's hands drop to settle on his knees with a conclusive sort of sigh.
but then he's turning to runyu (though he was occupied, he did track the footsteps and hear where his friend sat down), lips curling in a greeting smile with just the slightest quirk of humor. ) Here I've made you come all the way to my quarters to visit, how terribly inconsiderate of me. ( because it occurs to him now that runyu might very well have been giving him space until he emerged of his own accord. a sightless glance to the door, and - ) I admit that I'm reluctant to venture, if stepping outside summons poor Kuanglu to attend to me. The both of you have done more than enough for me already.
but then he's turning to runyu (though he was occupied, he did track the footsteps and hear where his friend sat down), lips curling in a greeting smile with just the slightest quirk of humor. ) Here I've made you come all the way to my quarters to visit, how terribly inconsiderate of me. ( because it occurs to him now that runyu might very well have been giving him space until he emerged of his own accord. a sightless glance to the door, and - ) I admit that I'm reluctant to venture, if stepping outside summons poor Kuanglu to attend to me. The both of you have done more than enough for me already.
( Runyu's tone is even and cordial as he responds, his usual smile set over his face. ) It is her job to look after my guests and it is something she rarely gets to do. ( Only once, to be honest. ) I don't believe she sees attending to you as a chore but a joy. Besides, even if she said that, the truth is a little more complicated to explain. It was an attempt to simplify things, but if it has confined you to your rooms, I apologize. ( He folds his arms before him and bows slightly. )
( xingchen shakes his head at the apology, opening his mouth to reply, but what does he say? should he speak with him as a friend, or with the same distant courtesy which runyu himself is using?
after a moment, he exhales a laugh-breath, 'gaze' dropping aside. ) Forgive me. All of this feels a bit like a dream that I can't quite make sense of. This realm is so different from either of those which I've known, and yet pieces of it are terribly familiar. ( a beat, and his head tilts a bit, realizing with a pang of something bittersweet in his chest - ) I think I've forgotten how to speak to you as though we're strangers, so I hope you'll be patient with me while I figure it out.
after a moment, he exhales a laugh-breath, 'gaze' dropping aside. ) Forgive me. All of this feels a bit like a dream that I can't quite make sense of. This realm is so different from either of those which I've known, and yet pieces of it are terribly familiar. ( a beat, and his head tilts a bit, realizing with a pang of something bittersweet in his chest - ) I think I've forgotten how to speak to you as though we're strangers, so I hope you'll be patient with me while I figure it out.
[ The confusion in his guest thaws some of Runyu's anxiety and his smile grows as he inclines his head. ]
You may talk to me as you wish, Xingchen. I'm not disinclined to your friendly tone or dismissing the formalities if that is what you wish to do. ( He pauses, chuckling quietly. ) It might take me a few minutes to reciprocate; it's been a long time since someone's asked thus of me. Please have patience with me as I adjust.
[ Truthfully, there is only one occurrence when he's tried to drop all of the walls around him, or even be there as a companion with no worries of his own, but that time has ended in failure for him. Kaunglu has tried, once, but it has been too much, at that time. ]
In the manner of friends, may I ask about the blindfold? You were able to see when you arrived here. Was that.... different in the other realm?
You may talk to me as you wish, Xingchen. I'm not disinclined to your friendly tone or dismissing the formalities if that is what you wish to do. ( He pauses, chuckling quietly. ) It might take me a few minutes to reciprocate; it's been a long time since someone's asked thus of me. Please have patience with me as I adjust.
[ Truthfully, there is only one occurrence when he's tried to drop all of the walls around him, or even be there as a companion with no worries of his own, but that time has ended in failure for him. Kaunglu has tried, once, but it has been too much, at that time. ]
In the manner of friends, may I ask about the blindfold? You were able to see when you arrived here. Was that.... different in the other realm?
( the answer he gets is, admittedly, quite a relief - a fact reflected in the broadening of his smile, the way it softens around the edges.
the question which follows, however, has a hand lifting to brush the linen with light fingertips, a wordless realization. xingchen peels the blindfold off now, revealing a mildly embarrassed expression (more at his not realizing he was still wearing it; he's not embarrassed by the blindfold itself). it's set in his lap now, fingers thoughtlessly smoothing it flat. ) It was, ( he confirms. ) I only just regained my sight in the days before I arrived here, so I'm still not quite accustomed to it. ( and the fact that runyu's mind leapt at once to sightlessness isn't lost on xingchen, since the more obvious guess would be more along the lines of a meditative aid. perhaps this is how it shall be, with runyu quite sure that he can't recall this man who appeared in his throne room, while all of his guesswork or assumptions about xingchen prove far too accurate. is intuition in the heart or the mind?
regardless, he speaks again a moment later. ) It's... grounding, I suppose. ( wearing it now, he means, even though he has his sight. ) It organizes the world in a way that I'm used to. I'm not sure if that makes sense. ( but he doesn't seem terribly bothered by the notion that it might not. if there's a harder habit to break than his informality with runyu, it's his honesty. before his friend disappeared from the peninsula, xingchen would've been hard-pressed to think of a single thing he couldn't simply share with him. even if such things were painful, or perhaps some manner of compliment that runyu wasn't entirely equipped to receive.
which reminds him - his gaze lifts to the man seated beside him now, because: ) You've gotten better. Your music, I mean. ( which begs the question: did he retain the muscle-memory for such a thing? did he have to start anew here, or did all of his practice in ryslig leave him with some sort of foundation on which to build? )
the question which follows, however, has a hand lifting to brush the linen with light fingertips, a wordless realization. xingchen peels the blindfold off now, revealing a mildly embarrassed expression (more at his not realizing he was still wearing it; he's not embarrassed by the blindfold itself). it's set in his lap now, fingers thoughtlessly smoothing it flat. ) It was, ( he confirms. ) I only just regained my sight in the days before I arrived here, so I'm still not quite accustomed to it. ( and the fact that runyu's mind leapt at once to sightlessness isn't lost on xingchen, since the more obvious guess would be more along the lines of a meditative aid. perhaps this is how it shall be, with runyu quite sure that he can't recall this man who appeared in his throne room, while all of his guesswork or assumptions about xingchen prove far too accurate. is intuition in the heart or the mind?
regardless, he speaks again a moment later. ) It's... grounding, I suppose. ( wearing it now, he means, even though he has his sight. ) It organizes the world in a way that I'm used to. I'm not sure if that makes sense. ( but he doesn't seem terribly bothered by the notion that it might not. if there's a harder habit to break than his informality with runyu, it's his honesty. before his friend disappeared from the peninsula, xingchen would've been hard-pressed to think of a single thing he couldn't simply share with him. even if such things were painful, or perhaps some manner of compliment that runyu wasn't entirely equipped to receive.
which reminds him - his gaze lifts to the man seated beside him now, because: ) You've gotten better. Your music, I mean. ( which begs the question: did he retain the muscle-memory for such a thing? did he have to start anew here, or did all of his practice in ryslig leave him with some sort of foundation on which to build? )
[ Runyu starts at the compliment his guest bestows on him, more from the tone it’s relayed than the words themselves. He prefers to play the guqin outside, and he’s more than aware that his music breaks the stillness of the heavenly realm. But this man speaks of the music as if he has played for him before, either as an audience or staying close enough to listen. It’s a difficult vision for Runyu to accept. Even if he’s been unable to strike music from his mind once more since that evening, a disquiet reluctance lingers in him. It’s not that he doesn’t wish for someone to speak of it but that, even now, he fears the repercussions. It’s an instinct he can’t shake. ]
( Runyu clenches his hand before rising abruptly, turns around, before halting. He flicks his sleeves behind him and faces his guest again in his formal pose, as if to protect himself. He bows. ) Forgive me and thank you, Xingchen. Even if I cannot recall this time you speak of, ( A sigh escapes him. ) If there was a place where I could play openly enough for you to judge my talent, I’m glad it’s remembered in some way. Music … ( His head lowers, eyes falling to the bracelet on his wrist. ) It shouldn’t be shut away like a sin…
[ Runyu closes his eyes, wondering why he’s speaking of so honestly to his guest, a man he has no memory of but he may have dreamed of. He is someone he had failed and yet calls him friend and doesn’t seem to demand anything from him. There’s a trust there, unspoken between them, and it terrifies the Night Immortal.
He’s being a terrible host.
As he has been a horrible leader.
A tear escapes him and he turns away, glaring at the door.
He’s never cried since promising his brother to live.
So why, why, should he lose all composure now?
He almost wishes that Xingchen were blind now, but the selfish desire seems wrong for reasons beyond his own comfort.
Runyu takes another breath. He summons a wall scroll, fingering the thread keeping it closed, before turning around and wordlessly letting it fall open between Xingchen and himself. ]
Do you recognize this?
[ It’s an ink painting of a small cabin set in the middle of a forest, black and white with purposeful sparks of color, red tulips and yellow lilies bordering a table with two people sitting at it, and a purple silhouette on the far side, as if to sneak him in without being called out for it. ]
( Runyu clenches his hand before rising abruptly, turns around, before halting. He flicks his sleeves behind him and faces his guest again in his formal pose, as if to protect himself. He bows. ) Forgive me and thank you, Xingchen. Even if I cannot recall this time you speak of, ( A sigh escapes him. ) If there was a place where I could play openly enough for you to judge my talent, I’m glad it’s remembered in some way. Music … ( His head lowers, eyes falling to the bracelet on his wrist. ) It shouldn’t be shut away like a sin…
[ Runyu closes his eyes, wondering why he’s speaking of so honestly to his guest, a man he has no memory of but he may have dreamed of. He is someone he had failed and yet calls him friend and doesn’t seem to demand anything from him. There’s a trust there, unspoken between them, and it terrifies the Night Immortal.
He’s being a terrible host.
As he has been a horrible leader.
A tear escapes him and he turns away, glaring at the door.
He’s never cried since promising his brother to live.
So why, why, should he lose all composure now?
He almost wishes that Xingchen were blind now, but the selfish desire seems wrong for reasons beyond his own comfort.
Runyu takes another breath. He summons a wall scroll, fingering the thread keeping it closed, before turning around and wordlessly letting it fall open between Xingchen and himself. ]
Do you recognize this?
[ It’s an ink painting of a small cabin set in the middle of a forest, black and white with purposeful sparks of color, red tulips and yellow lilies bordering a table with two people sitting at it, and a purple silhouette on the far side, as if to sneak him in without being called out for it. ]
( though he was welcomed to dismiss the formalities, it's quickly apparent that he's taken that very thing a step too far. he shouldn't have mentioned the music. that was what did it, what dissolved away what little bit of ease runyu had settled into, sent him to his feet with all the formality of the moment they first reunited. and xingchen wants to say something, to retract it somehow, but runyu's speaking before he figures out any way to do that. he thanks xingchen, even if the words had upset him - and then he mentions the bit about music not being shut away, and that's precisely what xingchen had expressed, those years ago. he nearly mentions as much, but at this point he isn't quite sure whether that would make it better or worse. he isn't sure how to approach this at all, really. it's more precarious than it seems at the surface, and it's far too easy to fall naturally into a grave misstep and -
and make his dear friend cry, apparently. fingers curl around the blindfold in his lap now, gripping that to suppress the urge to rise to his own feet and wipe that tear and any others away with the edge of his sleeve, because that isn't their friendship anymore. it wouldn't be welcome. instead, he draws a breath with the intent to at the very least apologize, but that's when runyu turns to present a painted scroll.
xingchen's breath huffs out in a quiet rush, hands releasing the blindfold at once to reach out for the scroll - but he remembers himself just before taking hold of the edges, stopping short, withdrawing his hands to curl one around the other against his own chest. belatedly, and perhaps entirely obvious by now, he says - ) Yes, ( and that single word is both delighted and faintly choked, like a bird slipping through grasping fingers and taking flight. his lips press together for a moment, then one hand reaches out again, a shaking fingertip ghosting over one painted window to say, ) This window led to your bedroom.
and make his dear friend cry, apparently. fingers curl around the blindfold in his lap now, gripping that to suppress the urge to rise to his own feet and wipe that tear and any others away with the edge of his sleeve, because that isn't their friendship anymore. it wouldn't be welcome. instead, he draws a breath with the intent to at the very least apologize, but that's when runyu turns to present a painted scroll.
xingchen's breath huffs out in a quiet rush, hands releasing the blindfold at once to reach out for the scroll - but he remembers himself just before taking hold of the edges, stopping short, withdrawing his hands to curl one around the other against his own chest. belatedly, and perhaps entirely obvious by now, he says - ) Yes, ( and that single word is both delighted and faintly choked, like a bird slipping through grasping fingers and taking flight. his lips press together for a moment, then one hand reaches out again, a shaking fingertip ghosting over one painted window to say, ) This window led to your bedroom.
[ Runyu’s throat closes up at Xingchen’s reaction and before he can stop himself, the scroll slips from his fingers. If it tears or creases, he doesn’t move to stop it. He can always paint another. Falling to his knees before Xingchen, he bows his head. If Xingchen’s rising from his sitting position, Runyu is oblivious to that or any entreaty to rise. ]
( He’s speaking in a rush. ) I’m sorry, Xingchen, that I abandoned you. I don’t have any concrete memories of this time you speak of, but - but I’ve dreamed so many things, as if I spent years there before returning to my torment here, and they refuse to leave me. There’s pain and so much blood, but there’s also something there that’s warming, soothing. It feels like I am home. Something I’ve lost in this realm forever.
I-I don’t know why you’ve come to someone who left you in such a place. It’s wrong. I don’t deserve this trust you offer between us. I don’t deserve your rescue by coming into my life again, and yet- yet… ( His voice drops to a whisper as another tear slips down his cheek. ) I can’t turn you away.
( He’s speaking in a rush. ) I’m sorry, Xingchen, that I abandoned you. I don’t have any concrete memories of this time you speak of, but - but I’ve dreamed so many things, as if I spent years there before returning to my torment here, and they refuse to leave me. There’s pain and so much blood, but there’s also something there that’s warming, soothing. It feels like I am home. Something I’ve lost in this realm forever.
I-I don’t know why you’ve come to someone who left you in such a place. It’s wrong. I don’t deserve this trust you offer between us. I don’t deserve your rescue by coming into my life again, and yet- yet… ( His voice drops to a whisper as another tear slips down his cheek. ) I can’t turn you away.
( and xingchen's so terribly focused on the painted scroll that he doesn't quite realize the emotions unfolding on the other man's face. all he knows is that suddenly the scroll is falling away, and he can't help but make a faint throat-sound of protest and an abortive half-reach to catch it before his attention is drawn back to runyu - runyu who has dropped to his knees now, head bowed, words too quick and absent of any shred of his prior formality.
and he says so very much, a fervent apology, a confession of his dreams and how they feel, a declaration of what he does or doesn't deserve, all of it filling xingchen with a desperate formless ache that he doesn't quite know how to ease. he doesn't know the right thing to say, doesn't know if telling runyu more would be wounding or healing him. he doesn't know why, even at this moment of his beloved friend's distress, he feels an inexplicable swell of relief. he honestly doesn't feel like he knows much of anything at all right this moment, save for the fact that he desperately needs for runyu to stop crying.
his movements are thoughtless, driven by that very need, as he slips down onto the floor as well, arms winding tightly around runyu's shoulders and upper back to pull him into an embrace. and for a few moments (the duration of three or four unsteady breaths as xingchen himself adamantly refuses to cry), it's just that silent embrace - then one hand lifts to smooth down the back of his hair in quiet, urgent need to help, and - ) You- ( the word is choked, and he stops again, exhaling a stubborn breath as he swallows hard to try to get rid of some of the tightness in his throat. then he shakes his head a little. ) My friend, you didn't abandon me. ( his words are shaky, but his tone is so achingly fond. ) You weren't given a choice. ( but that's all he can manage by way of actual speech, so he's whispering now as well. ) You wouldn't have gone by choice. You would have stayed.
and he says so very much, a fervent apology, a confession of his dreams and how they feel, a declaration of what he does or doesn't deserve, all of it filling xingchen with a desperate formless ache that he doesn't quite know how to ease. he doesn't know the right thing to say, doesn't know if telling runyu more would be wounding or healing him. he doesn't know why, even at this moment of his beloved friend's distress, he feels an inexplicable swell of relief. he honestly doesn't feel like he knows much of anything at all right this moment, save for the fact that he desperately needs for runyu to stop crying.
his movements are thoughtless, driven by that very need, as he slips down onto the floor as well, arms winding tightly around runyu's shoulders and upper back to pull him into an embrace. and for a few moments (the duration of three or four unsteady breaths as xingchen himself adamantly refuses to cry), it's just that silent embrace - then one hand lifts to smooth down the back of his hair in quiet, urgent need to help, and - ) You- ( the word is choked, and he stops again, exhaling a stubborn breath as he swallows hard to try to get rid of some of the tightness in his throat. then he shakes his head a little. ) My friend, you didn't abandon me. ( his words are shaky, but his tone is so achingly fond. ) You weren't given a choice. ( but that's all he can manage by way of actual speech, so he's whispering now as well. ) You wouldn't have gone by choice. You would have stayed.
[ The words spoken by Xingchen, someone he can almost let down all of his walls around instinctually, is nearly enough for Runyu to fall into the embrace and cling to the good fortune his presence is for him. And yet, he’s wearing the mantle of his office, that which he took in an attempt of enacting justice but by destroying the only two people to care for him in this realm. Because he was too much of a coward to look for another means to crush the hypocrisy that had strangled him for eons. Because he was too weak to bear any further change without lashing out with all the darkness that’s been buried in him. Runyu wants to give in and accept the peace Xingchen’s mere words offer him. But he doesn’t deserve it. He can never deserve it.
Runyu shuts eyes against the dazzling stardust before him, turning away from the hope as his guilt and regret drowns him. His momentary fear of being rejected by his friend if he were honest replaced by the overwhelming weight of the sins upon his shoulders. ]
You’re wrong, my friend. I’ve run from too much before. How can you know that I wasn’t a coward again and that I took the easiest path to escape the pain there, turning a blind eye to any other torment but my own?
Runyu shuts eyes against the dazzling stardust before him, turning away from the hope as his guilt and regret drowns him. His momentary fear of being rejected by his friend if he were honest replaced by the overwhelming weight of the sins upon his shoulders. ]
You’re wrong, my friend. I’ve run from too much before. How can you know that I wasn’t a coward again and that I took the easiest path to escape the pain there, turning a blind eye to any other torment but my own?
( this truly is just... surreal, in ways which unfold further nearly by the minute. while it's good that the embrace hasn't been rejected, his words may as well have been (granted in a different sort of way), in favor of asking to know how such a thing fits with this so-called cowardice - a cowardice which runyu seems so sure of, but one which xingchen has never once witnessed. even in the earlier months of their friendship, when runyu was still working through his changing form and growing accustomed to the horrors of ryslig, he was never a coward. he was never someone who would've simply abandoned xingchen and those others whom he cared about, no matter how difficult staying might have sometimes been.
a vast divide seems to exist between the runyu whom xingchen knows and the person this runyu seems to think that he is. in truth, xingchen isn't at all positive how to cross it. but this isn't a situation in which he really has time to think, so instead he's shaking his head again, arms stubbornly failing to release him just yet. ) Because, ( he says, still an urgent whisper, ) I know you. ( perhaps not quite so much who runyu is now as who runyu became in ryslig, but he's still the same man at his core.
the next words are slightly slower, choosing the right ones as they come. ) You've run because no one has ever given you reason not to. Or reason not to be afraid. ( his eyes are damp now and his throat's attempting to tighten again, so he pauses here to swallow hard. then, ) Even with the realm's torment, you let yourself be happy. I know how difficult that might be to believe.
a vast divide seems to exist between the runyu whom xingchen knows and the person this runyu seems to think that he is. in truth, xingchen isn't at all positive how to cross it. but this isn't a situation in which he really has time to think, so instead he's shaking his head again, arms stubbornly failing to release him just yet. ) Because, ( he says, still an urgent whisper, ) I know you. ( perhaps not quite so much who runyu is now as who runyu became in ryslig, but he's still the same man at his core.
the next words are slightly slower, choosing the right ones as they come. ) You've run because no one has ever given you reason not to. Or reason not to be afraid. ( his eyes are damp now and his throat's attempting to tighten again, so he pauses here to swallow hard. then, ) Even with the realm's torment, you let yourself be happy. I know how difficult that might be to believe.
I don’t- I don’t deserve to be happy. ( Runyu confesses before his arms come up and cling to the warmth of Xingchen. )
He can no longer call him a guest after this, even if this is a fleeting dream.
[ It is wrong. He should be standing and setting boundaries between himself and his friend. However, the warmth of this embrace is too much for Runyu to resist when he’s denied himself any hint of warmth in his realm after his sins. He will watch his nephew at the river, smiling as he fishes for his wife, but he won’t come closer. He will share a drink with his brother when he asks him, and yet he will not indulge in more than one.
A cycle that no one tries to change.
And yet, he’s weakened recently. He can not resist the call of music when it overcomes it after that first night, and something compels him to paint the dreams that haunt him. Is a fool?
He doesn’t know.
He doesn’t understand anymore. ]
Forgive me. ( Runyu whispers into his arms, hold tightening. ) Forgive me this.
He can no longer call him a guest after this, even if this is a fleeting dream.
[ It is wrong. He should be standing and setting boundaries between himself and his friend. However, the warmth of this embrace is too much for Runyu to resist when he’s denied himself any hint of warmth in his realm after his sins. He will watch his nephew at the river, smiling as he fishes for his wife, but he won’t come closer. He will share a drink with his brother when he asks him, and yet he will not indulge in more than one.
A cycle that no one tries to change.
And yet, he’s weakened recently. He can not resist the call of music when it overcomes it after that first night, and something compels him to paint the dreams that haunt him. Is a fool?
He doesn’t know.
He doesn’t understand anymore. ]
Forgive me. ( Runyu whispers into his arms, hold tightening. ) Forgive me this.
There's nothing to forgive, ( xingchen whispers back, the whisper cracking just slightly in his stubborn refusal to succumb to any manner of proper crying which might draw runyu's worries back to him. he doesn't want them, not now - because runyu is hugging him back now just as tightly if not more so, and xingchen couldn't stand for it to stop just yet. because - ) I've missed you terribly. ( something he hadn't meant to admit to, but there it is. ) I-, I know that's not fair of me to say.
( and yet it's true. he wore the mourning white again for nearly a year after runyu left, and only recently has he diverged from it on more than the rare occasion. it hasn't quite felt right to do so. and the house in the woods has been empty more often than full for nearly as long. he still retreated there for the locked room when his hunger grew too fierce, but it wasn't a home anymore. just the ghost of one. )
( and yet it's true. he wore the mourning white again for nearly a year after runyu left, and only recently has he diverged from it on more than the rare occasion. it hasn't quite felt right to do so. and the house in the woods has been empty more often than full for nearly as long. he still retreated there for the locked room when his hunger grew too fierce, but it wasn't a home anymore. just the ghost of one. )
You’re wrong. ( Runyu mutters, voice broken. ) That-that’s not what’s unfair about this. What’s unfair is leaving you alone when you’ve come here. Staying away to honor a cold vow that never changes anything about the world.
[ Despair and weariness echo in his quaking voice, the years of false dignity and serenity torn down from his shoulders. His reluctance and poise is gone, leaving nothing behind but aching longing and wounds that have never closed. Something always present but never acknowledged even by him. The yearning rings out with each entreaty ripped from the gentle strings of the guqin and vibrates the tears when he plays the dizzi in his study, closed off where no one can hear his cries. The wishes linger behind after a hesitant caress on the Beast of Dream’s neck and resonate after each evening dance in the Star Corridor. It’s a childish part of him that can’t stay away from his brother’s family in the mortal realm — even when each moment standing in their shadow opens new waves of regret and loss. A flicker of the person who accepted all the suffering that hides under the golden facade of the heavenly realm if it would keep the world just a little brighter.
But no one has ever stayed or reached out to him when he can accept it.
No flowers will bloom for him again.
This boy has no defense against the tender acceptance of Xingchen. ]
I’m sorry.
[ Despair and weariness echo in his quaking voice, the years of false dignity and serenity torn down from his shoulders. His reluctance and poise is gone, leaving nothing behind but aching longing and wounds that have never closed. Something always present but never acknowledged even by him. The yearning rings out with each entreaty ripped from the gentle strings of the guqin and vibrates the tears when he plays the dizzi in his study, closed off where no one can hear his cries. The wishes linger behind after a hesitant caress on the Beast of Dream’s neck and resonate after each evening dance in the Star Corridor. It’s a childish part of him that can’t stay away from his brother’s family in the mortal realm — even when each moment standing in their shadow opens new waves of regret and loss. A flicker of the person who accepted all the suffering that hides under the golden facade of the heavenly realm if it would keep the world just a little brighter.
But no one has ever stayed or reached out to him when he can accept it.
No flowers will bloom for him again.
This boy has no defense against the tender acceptance of Xingchen. ]
I’m sorry.
( ah - so that's why it took him two days to arrive. he hadn't been waiting for xingchen to emerge after all. it hadn't quite occurred to him how different things might be, here in runyu's self-imposed isolation rather than a realm apart.
he draws a slow breath, then lets it out. brings his emotions back under control, at least those which leak out. then, ) My friend, I did not come here to ask anything of you apart from perhaps a place to rest. You've given me that. ( if runyu needs to leave him alone much of the time, so be it.
at least they're beneath the same sky. )
he draws a slow breath, then lets it out. brings his emotions back under control, at least those which leak out. then, ) My friend, I did not come here to ask anything of you apart from perhaps a place to rest. You've given me that. ( if runyu needs to leave him alone much of the time, so be it.
at least they're beneath the same sky. )
Edited 2021-03-10 04:14 (UTC)
That seems a cold welcome for you, my friend. ( Runyu murmurs against his arms. Some strength has returned to his voice but he's reluctant to move. )
[ Even if he's aware that he should pull away.
He's revealed more to this friend than he has anyone else. Even the Beast of Dreams hasn't seen him break down like this, and it's been at his side from the beginning since he found it in the star corridor. Even after the loss of his mother, he'd shut himself in his chambers to hide his weakness, and yet here, he's let his fragile emotions out without attempting to temper them into formality. The fear of such a reveal is absent inside him, leaving him both bereft of that cloak of assurance and relieved of the terrible weight that comes with harboring such suspicion. ]
[ Even if he's aware that he should pull away.
He's revealed more to this friend than he has anyone else. Even the Beast of Dreams hasn't seen him break down like this, and it's been at his side from the beginning since he found it in the star corridor. Even after the loss of his mother, he'd shut himself in his chambers to hide his weakness, and yet here, he's let his fragile emotions out without attempting to temper them into formality. The fear of such a reveal is absent inside him, leaving him both bereft of that cloak of assurance and relieved of the terrible weight that comes with harboring such suspicion. ]
Perhaps, ( he agrees, because that's something he can't quite deny, but he doesn't sound all that bothered by it. pragmatic maybe, if still a bit soft around the edges. ) But it's certainly warmer than death, and that's what awaited me if I'd returned to my own realm. ( or if he stayed in ryslig - and what other options even were there, truly? he would have stayed to die before sending himself to any realm but this one. this second life has all been borrowed time, regardless.
a beat, and a quiet hum - mild indecision given form. but then he wonders aloud, ) If it truly does change nothing, then why do you honor the vow? ( and of course, he has yet to pull away either. he's already decided he won't be the first to do so. )
a beat, and a quiet hum - mild indecision given form. but then he wonders aloud, ) If it truly does change nothing, then why do you honor the vow? ( and of course, he has yet to pull away either. he's already decided he won't be the first to do so. )
Edited 2021-03-10 04:47 (UTC)
What am I to do if I don't honor it? ( Runyu's weak voice replies. He pulls away slightly, not enough to leave the circle of warm arms enclosed around him but a step backwards towards the cold reality behind him. ) I have nothing else here. I am nothing else here.
Runyu drops his head further, as if waiting for an instinctual reprimand or condemnation. As if waiting for another word to weigh on his shoulders.
But a sigh shakes him a moment later.
As if knowing that Xingchen won't say it but uncertain of being deserving of such a reprieve. ]
Runyu drops his head further, as if waiting for an instinctual reprimand or condemnation. As if waiting for another word to weigh on his shoulders.
But a sigh shakes him a moment later.
As if knowing that Xingchen won't say it but uncertain of being deserving of such a reprieve. ]
( when runyu shifts away from him, xingchen's arms loosen to allow it - but the man doesn't go far. it's almost as if he's preparing to go, bracing himself for the perceived inevitability of it. much like he seems to have resigned himself to the emptiness of this place - the nothingness.
another quiet hum, this one caught between understanding (empathy, perhaps) and consideration. then, nearly a whisper, each word measured as if to make certain the weight isn't more than runyu can bear, ) You don't have to be. ( nothing, that is. ) I've seen it. ( a pause, and then: ) I can show you, if you'll let me.
another quiet hum, this one caught between understanding (empathy, perhaps) and consideration. then, nearly a whisper, each word measured as if to make certain the weight isn't more than runyu can bear, ) You don't have to be. ( nothing, that is. ) I've seen it. ( a pause, and then: ) I can show you, if you'll let me.
[ Runyu swallows, head still lowered, as he considers the offer made him. If he can reach for the tantalizing freedom in those words. Without losing himself in the process. His eyes fall to the wall scroll still on the ground, recalling other paintings he’s hidden in his chambers, and how desperately he has clung to something meaning more with the dreams and the fleeting music. How much this world has weighed on him.
However, it is still an escape. One he doesn’t deserve to search for at this time.
A few moments later, Runyu slowly pulls away from Xingchen’s embrace, speaking in a measured tone that’s careful to temper the pain behind the words. ) I will consider it, dear friend, but I am not ready for such a gift. And neither are you. ( His hand reaches for Xingchen’s wrist and his eyes narrow. ) How long have you been attending to your injuries alone due to my negligence?
However, it is still an escape. One he doesn’t deserve to search for at this time.
A few moments later, Runyu slowly pulls away from Xingchen’s embrace, speaking in a measured tone that’s careful to temper the pain behind the words. ) I will consider it, dear friend, but I am not ready for such a gift. And neither are you. ( His hand reaches for Xingchen’s wrist and his eyes narrow. ) How long have you been attending to your injuries alone due to my negligence?
( for a long moment, it almost seems as if runyu might accept. as if xingchen's sincerity has stood in such sharp enough contrast with everything else in runyu's life that he's actually convinced him to trust. in xingchen, in this thing which he feels the absence of but doesn't yet know or understand.
but then his friend draws back, and xingchen of course releases him to it, hands settling on his lap now. he considers shifting back to the bed, but that can wait until runyu is prepared to do so as well. for now the man seems to have something else on his mind - a hand takes hold of his wrist, drawing xingchen's gaze up to narrowed eyes. 'how long have you been attending to your injuries alone due to my negligence?'
his gaze drops again with a sigh-breath through his nose, lips curling in a smile of forfeit which borders on amused. ) Forgive the immodesty, but I can't allow you to take credit for my own feats of wondrous negligence. ( yes, he is going to tease about it. what of it?
either way, he's shaking his head a bit, his other hand moving to rest lightly on the back of runyu's own. ) It's nothing worth mention, certainly nothing which endangers my life. ( and he's been attending to it with the care he would have if a dear friend had been injured instead. he promised someone that he would, and seeing as it's the last promise he found himself able to make them, he plans to see it through with utmost diligence. )
but then his friend draws back, and xingchen of course releases him to it, hands settling on his lap now. he considers shifting back to the bed, but that can wait until runyu is prepared to do so as well. for now the man seems to have something else on his mind - a hand takes hold of his wrist, drawing xingchen's gaze up to narrowed eyes. 'how long have you been attending to your injuries alone due to my negligence?'
his gaze drops again with a sigh-breath through his nose, lips curling in a smile of forfeit which borders on amused. ) Forgive the immodesty, but I can't allow you to take credit for my own feats of wondrous negligence. ( yes, he is going to tease about it. what of it?
either way, he's shaking his head a bit, his other hand moving to rest lightly on the back of runyu's own. ) It's nothing worth mention, certainly nothing which endangers my life. ( and he's been attending to it with the care he would have if a dear friend had been injured instead. he promised someone that he would, and seeing as it's the last promise he found himself able to make them, he plans to see it through with utmost diligence. )
[ Runyu raises an eyebrow at Xingchen turning his worry for him into something to tease him about — as if this is a common occurrence with them. And perhaps it is. But even if Runyu’s own lips turn up in a small smile at that thought — of having something like fellowship with someone even after what he did to Xufeng — he won’t be deterred from his choice of focus. Perhaps, that envisioned bond is all the more reason to ask it. The immortal attempts a scowl but only manages an indignant shake of his head at his friend. ]
If it was nothing worth mentioning, it would have already healed here of all places. The fact that it has not means it’s not small. Even if it doesn’t endanger your life, will you still hide it when I ask? I know that I have asked you not to show me this life I've forgotten but that doesn't mean that I wish you to remain silent about yourself.
If it was nothing worth mentioning, it would have already healed here of all places. The fact that it has not means it’s not small. Even if it doesn’t endanger your life, will you still hide it when I ask? I know that I have asked you not to show me this life I've forgotten but that doesn't mean that I wish you to remain silent about yourself.
( no, xingchen wouldn't say that it's a common occurrence with them - if only because nothing between them has been 'common' for a number of years by now.
but it used to be. runyu had seemed quite unused to being teased in a friendly manner rather than mocked, but he rose to the challenge rather quickly, and for much of the rest of their friendship the two of them were prone to lapse abruptly into some sort of banter. such a thing was quite useful when runyu would fuss without need to, a means by which to deflect the topic to something a bit lighter and less worrisome even if xingchen would often concede and accept some stray bit of fussing regardless.
and every so often, of course, runyu would recognize a moment in which he should stand his ground on the matter, should refuse the attempt at deflection - just as he has done now, both jarring and comforting in its predictability. 'even if it doesn't endanger your life, will you still hide it when i ask?' no, he won't. if course he won't. at the moment, xingchen is uniquely incapable of refusing his friend anything the man might wish, and he doesn't quite foresee that changing all that much in the near future. )
Of course, ( he says, head shaking again but this time to dismiss his prior deflection. ) I meant no offense, and certainly not any sort of mistrust. ( how does he put this? he pauses a moment, considering, and - ) I only thought that I wouldn't be able to explain my wounds, not if you don't wish to know of the realm in which we met. You'd ruminate over it. I know you would.
( the guesswork tale of the origin of xingchen's wounds in runyu's mind would be far more alarming than how he actually got them. he knows how such things go, between them. )
Suffice to say that I earned them in helping to end a war, one which started long before either you or I arrived. You can assess them for yourself, if you'd like. I don't mind. ( he truly doesn't. he'd only thought to make this less complicated for runyu, whose thoughts are already quite the mess thanks to xingchen's arrival. )
but it used to be. runyu had seemed quite unused to being teased in a friendly manner rather than mocked, but he rose to the challenge rather quickly, and for much of the rest of their friendship the two of them were prone to lapse abruptly into some sort of banter. such a thing was quite useful when runyu would fuss without need to, a means by which to deflect the topic to something a bit lighter and less worrisome even if xingchen would often concede and accept some stray bit of fussing regardless.
and every so often, of course, runyu would recognize a moment in which he should stand his ground on the matter, should refuse the attempt at deflection - just as he has done now, both jarring and comforting in its predictability. 'even if it doesn't endanger your life, will you still hide it when i ask?' no, he won't. if course he won't. at the moment, xingchen is uniquely incapable of refusing his friend anything the man might wish, and he doesn't quite foresee that changing all that much in the near future. )
Of course, ( he says, head shaking again but this time to dismiss his prior deflection. ) I meant no offense, and certainly not any sort of mistrust. ( how does he put this? he pauses a moment, considering, and - ) I only thought that I wouldn't be able to explain my wounds, not if you don't wish to know of the realm in which we met. You'd ruminate over it. I know you would.
( the guesswork tale of the origin of xingchen's wounds in runyu's mind would be far more alarming than how he actually got them. he knows how such things go, between them. )
Suffice to say that I earned them in helping to end a war, one which started long before either you or I arrived. You can assess them for yourself, if you'd like. I don't mind. ( he truly doesn't. he'd only thought to make this less complicated for runyu, whose thoughts are already quite the mess thanks to xingchen's arrival. )
Page 1 of 3